LOOK AT ME LOOKING AT YOU « \\__wildtenderness__\\ -and all the things i've never said OUT LOUD...

Thursday, September 15, 2005

LOOK AT ME LOOKING AT YOU

my sister has always said that i have this one bitchy look on that i seem to always look stuck-up or something like that. i didn't believe that at first. but then i realized today that i do have this tendency to put up this 'don't mess with me' attitude when i talk to strangers. i noticed that i act rather serious around them. i reckon it's something natural of me to do. it's like a self-protecting mechanism. or something like that. i realized that throughout the whole time i was putting such attitude on, i was actually trying to protect myself from being 'bullied'. bullied here refers to oh so many things.

today, we went to look for a construction site we could use for our assignment and oh boy, it was my first time doing this kind of thing. i was nervous. very nervous. i was afraid they'd not take us seriously, since we are only university students who are on our assignment. i was skeptical they'd treat us nicely or agree to let us use their site for our assignment. thank God, Aida (Yasmin) and Kastini were there and we did it together. i was really scared at first but they were rather brave and let's just say, their 'bravery' stopped me from acting like a chicken and during the 'brief meeting', i did quite okay. we told them our intention, we listed out what we wanted from them and we did it professionally hohohoho i felt really good after that. the feeling of having accomplished something that you were always afraid of doing is like heaven you know. i think i ought to conquer or face each of my insecurities one by one. by facing it, i think it'd make me braver and more confident of myself hehehe...lame thing to say but so what lol. sometimes my insecurities and my skepticism really get the best of me and that's like SO not fun. they're ruling my life and i feel 'trapped'.

moving on...it's not fun missing someone yeah? these days i would find myself feeling so bummed out and upset and i'd end up not wanting to do anything. going to class would be quite a task for me. i didn't feel like seeing anyone and all i wanted is being left alone. but then again, living in hostel...what do you expect eh? no one will leave you alone. not a chance in hell. however living with these wonderful people, that helps a bit. some days, i'd feel so tired all i wanted to do was sleep. i'd get cranky at times and i'd find myself trying so hard not to be cranky and cheer myself up. funny eh? these i assume are the symptoms of missing someone you're trying not to miss. alas! my heart doesn't listen to my head. i'm having a hard time to decide, should i or should i not ask him where i stand in his life? according to Alin, i should do it. well, according to my old self too, i should do it. holding back is just so not nabila. so why am i holding back now. i did it then- confessed to the guy i used to have a major crush on and it was liberating. boy, i was so upset of the rejection and the whatsoever that ensued of course, but i was also relieved i did what i did. somehow, it gave me freedom. but this time around, i find myself thinking over and over again if i should do what i have always been planning to do : CLARIFY THINGS. i'm not desperate really, i have my own reasons of wanting to do that :

#1. i get attached to people easily. and the 'like' i'm feeling for him is growing each passing day.
#2. i miss him like crazy every day. and it makes me feel miserable(but i do like being miserable hahaha) and upset.
#3. i don't want to wait for him and harbouring strong feelings for him only to find out later on that he doesn't feel a thing for me.
#4. i don't want to go through what i went through then again. it was hell. and i don't want it to affect my studies because it affected everything then.

you see, i'm not afraid of getting the answer that would upset me. i don't even care if it's not mutual (well actually i would, but prolly a little i'd say). it's better to be upset and miserable now (for just a few weeks hopefully) rather than being broken later on when time and energy have been wasted for years of waiting. i don't like my time being wasted on something that's not worth it. and i SO don't like people to play around with my heart. i'm not even afraid of being humiliated. to me this is life. and it's what we called experience. so what if he rejected me? it's not like i'm going to drop and die or anything. shame is like the last thing on my mind.

but at the end of the day, i'd always come to a conclusion that this whole thing is just so silly. a part of me just finds it hard to believe in this. haha. and it's so hard to convince that part of me. so yeah..

- posted by wildtenderness @ 11:42 pm

wildtenderness
September 23, 2005 09:14 PM PDT

thanks dibah! i will try. but it's not easy. i'm sorta haunted by my past (u know who) ahaha ;p i'm afraid i'd get the same answer hohoho. but thanks. i know, we only live once and there's nothing that we'll lose. hehe, like they say, you can't lose what you never had! ;) thanks so much, it means a lot to me! =)
adibah
September 23, 2005 08:36 PM PDT

nabby... i'd advise you to open up to him yanno... after all we only get to live once! but you still have to weigh the pros and cons laaa.... i was just saying it coz ehem... i did that before..~~ lalalala

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