\\__wildtenderness__\\ -and all the things i've never said OUT LOUD...

Friday, October 21, 2005

THE END

so people, i'm going to stop blogging in here. i've been too busy to keep this blog. thanks to those who have been reading this blog. thanks to those who have been leaving comments and tags. thank you thank you thank you, i'm done here =) tootles~

- posted by wildtenderness @ 11:12 pm
(1) shweeetiiie ;) / permalink

Sunday, October 09, 2005

IT'S NOW OR NEVER

a few days ago i've actually made a decision to stop blogging in here. i was thinking of moving on to a new blog. but then again, i loooovee this blog sho much. i don't think i'd be happy leaving this blog. so i created a new blog and that's where everything that's rather personal will be at.

within these few weeks, too many things have happened and too many changes i went through. too many things i learn. to let go. to accept. to cherish. to...aah..you get it, i'm learning about life. again. it's an ongoing process so yeah.

isn't it nice to be able to breathe and live without hatred? anywho..i'm feeling rather calm of late. yeah, a bit kucar kacir life may be..still, i'm fine and happy =)

hrm, so today i went out with mum looking for pressies for dearie friends : jaja, lili and sarah. then dunno what's got into both of us, we went to POPULAR and bought 7 novels, 2 health magazines and all the little little things like paper clips, rings, glue, paintbrushes and whatnot.

so yeah, i bought oh-so-many things. before that i went to watson's and got myself 2 bottles of multivitamins and some other essentials. i spent a lot. and i'm broke now. thank God it's fasting month.

farhan sms-ed this afternoon. it's nice to hear from him again. haven't heard a thing from him since the last time we ran into each other during the myuitm fair we had last month.

urmm....i'm having a flu at the moment...and so does nadia...*sigh*

my presentation is on monday, i'm quite nervous about it. i think we won't get A for the assignment we did. we didn't do good enough. we left the most important part of the assignment : proof(photos) we went to the construction site. *sigh some more*

of late i've been hanging out with aidayasmin a bit too frequent. we'd lepak at night, be it in her room or mine or sometimes we just sat at the tangga beside my room...or wherever pun lah and talk. we'd talk up until 1 or 2 in the morning. it's crazy. but it's nice knowing her. never got the chance to talk to her before. she's cool and really nice and sweet. i like her ;) this is all thanks to the const tech assignment..if not for it, we'd never get the chance to really get to know each other. oh, dun get me wrong, i am not interested in girls aite..i'm just lonely having no one to talk kot hoho..and somehow it's easy to talk to her =) hrm, i miss hazlin!!

i fink i'm gonna stop here. i still have some things to do..aiyyoo..brc..reinforcement, they give people headaches indeed..why la do we need brc and reinforcement...lmao ;p

goodnight~

- posted by wildtenderness @ 12:40 am
comments? / / permalink

Saturday, October 01, 2005

I CAN SEE YOU SMILING

there's this guy at faculty who looks a bit like the rizky(sp?) guy in ungu violet. huhu..kiuuuuttt ;) i've been running into him quite often of late. mmm...interesting..but of course, there's a but. lmao ;p still, it's nice that i am able to see him quite often *wink wink*

i'm bored.

i'm supposed to do my measurement, but i think i left one of the drawings in college.

oh khairul sent me a message in friendster. he's so sweet.

ooh, so last night i went to the doctor. it's gastric, nothing big...i felt stupid. it's as if my body was exaggerating & i fell for it and when i went to the doctor, it's nothing. i feel stupid haha.

i think i'm gonna see the second cd of new york minute.

tootles~

- posted by wildtenderness @ 10:05 pm
comments? / / permalink

Friday, September 30, 2005

IT'S GONE TOO FAR, WE CAN'T REWIND

i do not know where to start. i'm in a rather subdued mood. but thank God my head is pretty much clear at the moment. it's been a hectic as well as of course, crazy week ;)

i have finally confessed (sorta) to the poor guy. he must've freaked out like hell i bet. but sorrylah, i didn't call that upon myself either. i didn't mean to scare him or whatsoever, i don't want to get all perasan and get hurt again so yeah i had to do what i did. i was scaring myself too. but now that everything's cleared up, i feel rather glad that i managed to find the guts in me and ask him. but of course, i do feel a bit upset..because in truth, this feelings i have for him are somewhat nurtured. he's been too kind.

nabby's next mission : learn to get used to sweet words and people's kindness hohohoho. *wink wink*

so now, nabby is not in the crazy-state anymore. well, atleast i'm saner and calmer compared to the last few weeks where my emotional state hadn't been in a good condition. i was going up and down (tapi bukan ke nabila selalu macam itu? eheh)..it drove me crazy. now it's time to forget and be normal ;) but yeah, thankfully..he dealt with it like an adult. eeei, i surely couldn't stand if he acted like budak-budak..sheesh, thank God, thank God. and the weird thing is, i've expected the answer. i think i do so have a sixth sense or whatsoever you wanna call it tee-hee ;p so i was really prepared, i'd say =)

oh well, my second time of being rejected OH-SO-NICELY. how sweet. thank you anyway for telling me that i'm the nicest girl you've ever known (though i know that is SO not true muahahah) and thank you for saying that i'm a special friend (truth is, you don't have to say that to make me feel less miserable. i do so understand what you're trying to say)

after all, like someone said to me : the second time around makes you wiser. or something like that.

so now i'm good at reading things between the lines kot. congrats nabby! ;)

jaja now have a blog on friendster. i wish i can blog there too. maybe one of these days..who knows? but i need a new computer then, as my computer is having a problem with viewing God-knows-what-it-is resulting in me unable to view the 'update-blog' page. *a long sigh*

oh you know what? i just received an sms from kak anis saying that comel has just given birth to 3 kittens ooooohmeeeeegooodneesssss!!! i can't wait to see comel's kittens!!! they must be ohsocute!! gee...sian comel..must be all tired and sakit after the delivery kan?? i wanna go back to hostel and usap2 comel lama-lama...aaaa, there's this warm feeling inside my tummy when i read the sms from kak anis. sian comel, yesterday comel has been ngiau-ing(what is mengiau in english ek?) nonstop and she's been trying to enter our room for God-knows-how-many-times!! i know that she wants to find a place to give birth to her babies..and we all know she wants it to be in kak nuha's locker hehehe ;) too comfy in there kot *wink wink* oh comel, wait until i come back okaaayyy???!!!

oh nadia sms-ed me yesterday. poor thing, she had the most embarassing moment in her life : she forgot the bacaan in sujud when asked by her ustaz during her hafazan. she said, she went totally blank..and forgot everything. she couldn't recall a single thing even after her ustaz gave her a head start (by reciting the starting of the bacaan)...she only managed to stare at that ustaz helplessly. and she said, she was sooooooo embarassed tahap *insert all the vulgar words here*. awww...i know it must have very embarassing as the ustaz must've thought she doesn't pray. haih..the most embarassing thing that could happen to you is when people think wrongly of you. takpelah nadia, so long God knows that you pray, you know that you pray and we all know that you pray...that's ok. i know it's humiliating, but what's done is done. we are all very nervous people..so yeah..what to do...

this week, i had 2 bad case of sakit perut. which i do not know if it's my gastric attacking or something else. and my dad, he was somewhat worried as he noticed that i've become rather thin. i suppose i am, as yesterday i stood in front of the mirror and gee..my hands are like 2 sticks on each side of my body and i can see my ribs are showing a little. and i've been losing appetites too..so yeah, tonight, i have an appointment with the doctor and do the scanning or whatsoever. i think need multivitamins or appetite booster or whatsoever. i'm scaring myself too! oh nabila, you are so unhealthy!!

oh i'm thinking of moving to a new blog, but i don't know..i'm thinking of starting anew like always haha..but i'm not so sure about that as i've been busy and most importantly, where to move?? oh well, this is what happens when one gets bored oh-so-easily! ;)

- posted by wildtenderness @ 10:51 am
comments? / / permalink

Friday, September 23, 2005

COME SEE THE RAINBOW!

so now it's going to be an update on what's been going on in my life of late =) things were initially good. i'm just in my confused mood at the moment that's all. oh well, but things are good, so that should be good right?

so many things happened in these past few weeks but i just don't feel like mentioning them in here. i don't want anyone to know about them. not yet atleast. but sooner or later maybe i will let it out in here.

anyway, as usual..i've been busy with assignments. i shouldn't be in front of the computer right now, but i feel rather lonely and i need to type. heheh. so yeah...cons eco is just too confusing for me right now. but i managed to complete most of the questions so yeah. i slept for only about 3-4 hours, more or less last night. remind me not to stay up so late and let the words inside my head escape. i made fun of myself last night, but i am glad i did what i did ;)

so it was lili's birthday on the 17th..i only wished her happy birthday and yet to get her anything. i ought to do it a.s.a.p., hmmm...just what should i get her eh? and this monday, it's sarah's birthday. *sigh* i'm clueless..what should i get her? and when am i going to do this birthday-presents shopping anyway? i'm too busy to go out lah. such a lousy friend la me! and jaja's birthday is like on the 10h of October...aiyyoooo......

hrmm...i so want to see 'kiamat sudah dekat'. dunno where and when i can get the cd. but i will find it no matter whaatt!! that's soooo a must-see!

currently, i am so in love with 'sampai' by KRU ;)

urmmm...i don't exactly have anything to say at the moment, so i think i'll get back to my assignments now. tootles~

- posted by wildtenderness @ 09:36 pm
comments? / / permalink

IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SEE

i don't like the word whine. and these are only my concerns. i have no intention to whine. i'm not even sure what whine exactly means. oh okay, i sure do but i am not sure if the contents of this blog can be categorised as whinings. i get upset when people point out that i'm whining. sometimes i even wonder if i do have the capability to twist things into something else that is not there. i also get upset when people tell me that i'm twisting my words. do i really? i don't know. maybe i didn't mean to. it's just how i see things are often different from how other people see them. this i know as my sister and i are always discussing on our ways of viewing things. we often view things in so many different sides/ways. and we can always turn a blind eye on the side we do not wish to see or comprehend. i also don't like being looked at and being a subject of a discussion. moreoever if it's not exactly a good one. but one thing that i've always hated since school is, being made fun of. i don't like being made fun of by guys especially. moreoever, by those i call friends. moreover, when it has something to do with appearance. i believe that we shouldn't be making fun of others because of their appearance as it's what God has given them. i'm sure that i've mentioned that i've always believed in what comes around goes around. i remember myself crying whenever i got home from school because i was being teased at school (lower secondary). i remember a boy named Rashid who would constantly pick on me. he'd find whatsoever he could find on me or was related to me and teased me the whole day. it was a living hell. still, i enjoyed school. i think. but yeah. and being a twin doesn't help much either. people would constantly try to differenciate us and make comparisons. frankly speaking, it's rather annoying.

i've always been a person who'd say *almost* everything that's on my mind. and often i make mistakes on saying things that i realise later on, shouldn't have been said. normally, these are the things spewed when i'm angry or upset. and i talk a lot. way too much. and i've also been told off for talking too much (by my sister usually). honestly, it hurts a bit. because i was so excited to talk and then i was asked to shut up.

and somehow, i feel guilty of feeling the way i usually do when people do the abovementioned things. funny. i feel guilty of feeling upset.

i think i'm feeling rather melancholic today.

so yeah, now it's time to face these things i don't like. instead of being so sensitive, i'll try to like them.

and i'll try to talk as less as possible. (haha)

yeah.

- posted by wildtenderness @ 08:59 pm
comments? / / permalink

Thursday, September 15, 2005

LOOK AT ME LOOKING AT YOU

my sister has always said that i have this one bitchy look on that i seem to always look stuck-up or something like that. i didn't believe that at first. but then i realized today that i do have this tendency to put up this 'don't mess with me' attitude when i talk to strangers. i noticed that i act rather serious around them. i reckon it's something natural of me to do. it's like a self-protecting mechanism. or something like that. i realized that throughout the whole time i was putting such attitude on, i was actually trying to protect myself from being 'bullied'. bullied here refers to oh so many things.

today, we went to look for a construction site we could use for our assignment and oh boy, it was my first time doing this kind of thing. i was nervous. very nervous. i was afraid they'd not take us seriously, since we are only university students who are on our assignment. i was skeptical they'd treat us nicely or agree to let us use their site for our assignment. thank God, Aida (Yasmin) and Kastini were there and we did it together. i was really scared at first but they were rather brave and let's just say, their 'bravery' stopped me from acting like a chicken and during the 'brief meeting', i did quite okay. we told them our intention, we listed out what we wanted from them and we did it professionally hohohoho i felt really good after that. the feeling of having accomplished something that you were always afraid of doing is like heaven you know. i think i ought to conquer or face each of my insecurities one by one. by facing it, i think it'd make me braver and more confident of myself hehehe...lame thing to say but so what lol. sometimes my insecurities and my skepticism really get the best of me and that's like SO not fun. they're ruling my life and i feel 'trapped'.

moving on...it's not fun missing someone yeah? these days i would find myself feeling so bummed out and upset and i'd end up not wanting to do anything. going to class would be quite a task for me. i didn't feel like seeing anyone and all i wanted is being left alone. but then again, living in hostel...what do you expect eh? no one will leave you alone. not a chance in hell. however living with these wonderful people, that helps a bit. some days, i'd feel so tired all i wanted to do was sleep. i'd get cranky at times and i'd find myself trying so hard not to be cranky and cheer myself up. funny eh? these i assume are the symptoms of missing someone you're trying not to miss. alas! my heart doesn't listen to my head. i'm having a hard time to decide, should i or should i not ask him where i stand in his life? according to Alin, i should do it. well, according to my old self too, i should do it. holding back is just so not nabila. so why am i holding back now. i did it then- confessed to the guy i used to have a major crush on and it was liberating. boy, i was so upset of the rejection and the whatsoever that ensued of course, but i was also relieved i did what i did. somehow, it gave me freedom. but this time around, i find myself thinking over and over again if i should do what i have always been planning to do : CLARIFY THINGS. i'm not desperate really, i have my own reasons of wanting to do that :

#1. i get attached to people easily. and the 'like' i'm feeling for him is growing each passing day.
#2. i miss him like crazy every day. and it makes me feel miserable(but i do like being miserable hahaha) and upset.
#3. i don't want to wait for him and harbouring strong feelings for him only to find out later on that he doesn't feel a thing for me.
#4. i don't want to go through what i went through then again. it was hell. and i don't want it to affect my studies because it affected everything then.

you see, i'm not afraid of getting the answer that would upset me. i don't even care if it's not mutual (well actually i would, but prolly a little i'd say). it's better to be upset and miserable now (for just a few weeks hopefully) rather than being broken later on when time and energy have been wasted for years of waiting. i don't like my time being wasted on something that's not worth it. and i SO don't like people to play around with my heart. i'm not even afraid of being humiliated. to me this is life. and it's what we called experience. so what if he rejected me? it's not like i'm going to drop and die or anything. shame is like the last thing on my mind.

but at the end of the day, i'd always come to a conclusion that this whole thing is just so silly. a part of me just finds it hard to believe in this. haha. and it's so hard to convince that part of me. so yeah..

- posted by wildtenderness @ 11:42 pm
(2) shweeetiiies ;) / permalink

Thursday, September 08, 2005

WEEYERD

people are rather funny (read: weird).

i think i'm weird too.

quirky.

unpredictable.

temperamental.

hohohohoho

have i ever mentioned in here that my mood swings oh-so-easily? it's swinging right now.

weeeeeee........

this is my attempt of cheering myself up...hoooorraaaayyyyyyyy

i miss him.

i think he has this somekind of rope which all my moods are tied to and he controls it (the rope) or rather playing with it...

oh my hair. it's short now. i'm gonna make all the girls in my hostel fall for me. haha. that's what i told my mum. lately, i've been having the tendency to sound like a pervert. i find it VERRY funny.

i don't really like my hair. not because it's too short. but because it's too light and it makes my hair go all big. get what i mean? i look funny. oh it's ok. it's only me making a big fuss out of it.

& all we do is pretending. no, make that you. because i don't pretend. and i don't even understand why this has to happen. i guess it's true what they say, girls are bitches. true indeed...

i've heard about selfishness and girls being silly bitches but never witnessed anything like them. now i've seen them. it's tiring getting caught in between....! and i'm a girl too =)<---- nabby is too upset about some things around her that she's talking funny once again!

or hey, did nabby read/see the wrong things again?? hohohoho, we'll wait and see ;)

- posted by wildtenderness @ 11:58 pm
comments? / / permalink

LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER

i love my friends. and i consider it a weakness. no matter how bad they treat me (except to the extent of betraying and spreading bad rumours about me), i'd still love them. to me, they're all unique and special in their own way. i only consider that whatever bad things they did to me (usually i'm the one who's over-sensitive) came from the not-so-good side of them. i mean, we're humans and we're far from perfect right? we have some behaviours that others find them quirky, annoying and so on right? i mean, we can't run from ugly attitudes and behaviour. i have them too. flaws. that's what makes us unique. i've always believed in that. BUT one thing for sure, i don't consider the skill of betraying and spreading bad rumours about others as well as backstabbing as something unique. that's like totally out of the question. anyone with such skills should be given NO mercy. but then again, i've always believed in second chances. i believe that people do so change. i believe in so many things, which always causes me being thrown into confusions especially when things are not going so well for me. because it's harder to convince yourself than other people when you're at the lowest point of your life. ohmigoodness! i'm babbling! but anywho..i know what i believe in and they keep me sane. everyday, i wake up and tell myself to be a better person & hopefully, it works =)

something caused me to lose my temper the other day. i said a few things that i shouldn't have said. which made me questioned myself if i would ever forget. indeed, i've forgiven everything. and i believe i've put everything behind me. still, i am not able to get back whatever i lost then. all the things i said, gee..they were silly. and boy, you should've heard what i've said. i'm 19 but i sounded like a frustrated 13 yr old who just found out that life is not always beautiful hohohoho. they were all past frustrations due to a betrayal. did it affect me so much to the point i don't believe in something which i shall not mention in here? i felt (and who knows i still am feeling it now) like i've lost everyone. (everyone refers to friends. i've got a GREAT family thank you). it was as if i had the hardest life which of course is SOOO NOT true because others had worse!

i feel bad for not being able to put all of it behind me. i thought i'm over it all. perhaps i am. prolly, it happened due to my feeling so stressed out (assignments..etc). i admit, i'm soo bad at stress-management! (as well as money hohoho!)<---nabila always tries to find a reason to everything!!

honestly, i don't know where i'm going. the situation a friend is in right now (things aren't going so well for her) had compelled me to write this. i hope she knows that i care about her. and suddenly i feel guilty of so many other things. and again, i'm trying to remind myself..don't ever do things you don't like people do to you to others. i believe what comes around goes around.

i don't like being consumed with guilt. and the fact that i feel guilty easily doesn't help at all. so i just want this particular someone to know : whatever i said or did, i just want you to know...i am not angry anymore. love is complicated. and so is life. i don't want you to think that i'm not over it. truly, i am. and truly, i love him more than anything. i may be the most-sensitive person you've ever known, but i'm not vengeful. and i may have been giving you the wrong ideas...but really, you don't know how hard it is for me to express how i actually feel. it's...no, this is...complicated. so don't worry.

anger. it's one thing i try to live without.

and i much prefer the word frustration instead of anger ;) i know it's not the same thing, but i try to turn it into something similar ;)

so yeah it's strange actually. i love my friends but i don't believe friends could actually love you lthe way your family loves you...o well, as usual i'm not making sense!

& oh i just love the idea of confronting and confessing.. ;)

and it's weird that lately, i'm so afraid to admit to myself of something that i find rather silly. and then, my friend would ask me why i'm denying things. the next thing i know, i'd find myself doing exactly the same thing: ask myself why i'm denying it. then, i'd tell myself that i'm not denying anything, i'm just being realistic. but then again, it's confusing. i don't even know the truth so i can't simply tell everyone that it's true. what IF it's not?? what IF i am confusing myself (and everyone else)??

oh okay, i'm done blogging here, toodaloooooo~

- posted by wildtenderness @ 02:07 am
comments? / / permalink

Sunday, September 04, 2005

BUT YOU NEVER THOUGHT THAT I COULD BREAK YOU

currently listening to: break you by marion raven

mama and adik had food poisoning last friday. it was pretty bad and all of us slept the whole day. 'twas pretty much a gloomy day lah for our family. kesian diaorang! thank God they got better after they went to the doctor. and yesterday we went to midvalley. shopping!! got myself a few stuff...weee...happynyee!! =)

erm...what else to say ek? ish, not much to say la. you knowla when you're happy all these words are like running through your head and you don't know which one to choose and use. in then end, you forgot about everything and end up writing nothing interesting at all.

whatever pun, maryam rang last night! hehe..we chatted for half an hour or so and then she had to go. she said she's gonna call me again but i don't know when. the other night, i played the sims (busting out or something like that) until 5 in the morning. hehe...urm....today gonna get my hair cut at auntie ana's salon...the appointment is at 11.

before i go, this is something i came across in the malaysian women's weekly. i find it so very true and thought it'd be nice to share it in here : "forgiving doesn't mean ignoring an injustice or letting someone treat you badly. it's not a wimp's response. it requires courage"

*sigh* true indeed.....

- posted by wildtenderness @ 10:05 am
comments? / / permalink