say what you have to say

i love my friends. and i consider it a weakness. no matter how bad they treat me (except to the extent of betraying and spreading bad rumours about me), i'd still love them. to me, they're all unique and special in their own way. i only consider that whatever bad things they did to me (usually i'm the one who's over-sensitive) came from the not-so-good side of them. i mean, we're humans and we're far from perfect right? we have some behaviours that others find them quirky, annoying and so on right? i mean, we can't run from ugly attitudes and behaviour. i have them too. flaws. that's what makes us unique. i've always believed in that. BUT one thing for sure, i don't consider the skill of betraying and spreading bad rumours about others as well as backstabbing as something unique. that's like totally out of the question. anyone with such skills should be given NO mercy. but then again, i've always believed in second chances. i believe that people do so change. i believe in so many things, which always causes me being thrown into confusions especially when things are not going so well for me. because it's harder to convince yourself than other people when you're at the lowest point of your life. ohmigoodness! i'm babbling! but anywho..i know what i believe in and they keep me sane. everyday, i wake up and tell myself to be a better person & hopefully, it works =)

something caused me to lose my temper the other day. i said a few things that i shouldn't have said. which made me questioned myself if i would ever forget. indeed, i've forgiven everything. and i believe i've put everything behind me. still, i am not able to get back whatever i lost then. all the things i said, gee..they were silly. and boy, you should've heard what i've said. i'm 19 but i sounded like a frustrated 13 yr old who just found out that life is not always beautiful hohohoho. they were all past frustrations due to a betrayal. did it affect me so much to the point i don't believe in something which i shall not mention in here? i felt (and who knows i still am feeling it now) like i've lost everyone. (everyone refers to friends. i've got a GREAT family thank you). it was as if i had the hardest life which of course is SOOO NOT true because others had worse!

i feel bad for not being able to put all of it behind me. i thought i'm over it all. perhaps i am. prolly, it happened due to my feeling so stressed out (assignments..etc). i admit, i'm soo bad at stress-management! (as well as money hohoho!)<---nabila always tries to find a reason to everything!!

honestly, i don't know where i'm going. the situation a friend is in right now (things aren't going so well for her) had compelled me to write this. i hope she knows that i care about her. and suddenly i feel guilty of so many other things. and again, i'm trying to remind myself..don't ever do things you don't like people do to you to others. i believe what comes around goes around.

i don't like being consumed with guilt. and the fact that i feel guilty easily doesn't help at all. so i just want this particular someone to know : whatever i said or did, i just want you to know...i am not angry anymore. love is complicated. and so is life. i don't want you to think that i'm not over it. truly, i am. and truly, i love him more than anything. i may be the most-sensitive person you've ever known, but i'm not vengeful. and i may have been giving you the wrong ideas...but really, you don't know how hard it is for me to express how i actually feel. it's...no, this is...complicated. so don't worry.

anger. it's one thing i try to live without.

and i much prefer the word frustration instead of anger ;) i know it's not the same thing, but i try to turn it into something similar ;)

so yeah it's strange actually. i love my friends but i don't believe friends could actually love you lthe way your family loves you...o well, as usual i'm not making sense!

& oh i just love the idea of confronting and confessing.. ;)

and it's weird that lately, i'm so afraid to admit to myself of something that i find rather silly. and then, my friend would ask me why i'm denying things. the next thing i know, i'd find myself doing exactly the same thing: ask myself why i'm denying it. then, i'd tell myself that i'm not denying anything, i'm just being realistic. but then again, it's confusing. i don't even know the truth so i can't simply tell everyone that it's true. what IF it's not?? what IF i am confusing myself (and everyone else)??

oh okay, i'm done blogging here, toodaloooooo~